dallas.. and a birthday

Life continued, but recent developments meant it had lost a little of its luster. This pregnancy was taking its toll, what with the constant backaches and exhaustion. It felt like a punishment. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep, but it wasn't like I had anyone to take Addie off my hands for a few hours.

And as if it all wasn't hard enough, I missed Hal. Really missed him. And now I'd have to live with the reminder for the rest of my life.

Painting was the one thing that helped. Balm for my weary, downtrodden soul. I'd made some extra money selling produce at the farmer's market, enough to buy an easel and an extra swing. I wasn't good enough to make decent money yet, but every time Adelaide napped, I found myself outside at the easel, working on my first painting.

I finished the painting at dusk, and sold it for $14. Not exactly artistic genius, but I had to start somewhere, right?

The next morning, I awoke with a new attitude. It was time to snap out of it. I'd made a bad choice and ruined a friendship, and yes, I would have to live with the consequences, but that didn't mean it was okay to mope and carry on. This depression wasn't just affecting me. It was affecting my daughter, too. Time to move forward. I had a life to live and a job to do, and if Hal didn't want to be friends, it was his loss.

I showered and dressed, made breakfast, and then Addie and I were out the door to the reading room. Addie played happily with the blocks at the activity table, and I walked over to the non fiction shelves to find a book on pregnancy and childbirth. I needed to be better prepared this time. Especially since there was no way I'd be able to afford a babysitter when the time came. This baby would be born at home.

"Lola? Is that you?"

I turned around and met the most striking blue eyes. I took a step back to take in the face. This man was vaguely familiar, and if I could stop staring long enough, maybe I'd remember his name.

I thrust my hand out, pretending I knew exactly who he was. "Hi! How are you?"

He released my hand, obviously amused. "You don't remember me, do you? Though given the state you were in at the time, I can't say I hold you at fault." He watched me, waiting for me to remember. "Dallas. Dallas Shallow."

I wracked my brain. This was so embarrassing. I had nothing.

"You went into labor? I called you a taxi?"

My face flooded with heat as the memory surfaced. Of course. How could I forget?

"Dallas, of course! How have you been? You'll have to forgive me. Pregnancy brain."

His eyes grew wide and I could tell he was trying not to let his eyes fall to my belly. "Um, con... congratulations. Again. And your first? From last time?"

"A girl. Her name's Adelaide. She'll celebrate her next birthday tomorrow, actually. I'm throwing a small party, just a few friends. You should come." What better way to scout out my next potential baby daddy than to watch him at a kid's birthday party?

I'd blindsided him with that one, but he recovered well. "I'd love to." I gave him the address, and said goodbye. I never had read that birthing book, but Addie and I needed to stop by the cemetery to look for seeds before the ghosts came out to play.

* * *

Addie aged up into a gorgeous little girl, adding Friendly to her Artistic and Virtuoso traits. The best part of Cullen always was his deep brown eyes, and I was happy Addie had the Palooza hair. Addie's party was a modest success--I even had a celebrity tag along with one of the guests. I had decided to give Cullen one more shot, and to my surprise, he actually turned up.

And he helped with the dishes!

For some reason he decided now would be a good time to do a cardio workout in front of my tv, but Addie cornered him instead in an attempt to get to know her father. I think it broke her heart to see that he just wasn't friendly like she was.

I comforted her and tucked her into the sleeping bag I'd found for a steal at the consignment store--we were a day's worth of produce away from being able to afford a bed--and promised her that no matter how her father acted, he loved her, and so did I.

And then I went out to find him, because no self absorbed asshole was going to get away with treating my daughter like that. As long as I had breath in my body, neither she nor any other child of mine would ever be made to feel as small as an ant.

I found him outside, enjoying a slice of cake with Dallas.

"Cullen, can I talk to you for a moment? Inside?" Dallas met my eyes over Cullen's head and I smiled to reassure him. "It'll just take a minute."

Cullen followed me in and I turned on him as soon as he'd shut the door.

"I'd stopped hoping you wanted to be a part of your daughter's life, Cullen. But if you don't want to spend the time with her, why are you here? You really hurt her feelings tonight, brushing her off like that!"

Even now, his head was somewhere else. Was he perpetually scatterbrained, or was there something bigger going on?

He sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair, but he wouldn't meet my eyes. "I don't know what to say. I came tonight to spend a couple of hours away from work, but it didn't help. I'll make it up to her with ice cream and a trip to the park on the weekend. I have to go, but you'll tell her for me, won't you? That I'm sorry, and I'll see her on the weekend?"

"I think you should leave," I told him through gritted teeth. "Don't lie to me or to yourself, Cullen. Because the only person you'll hurt is your daughter. I'd rather you stayed away than make promises you have not intention to keep."

His shoulders relaxed, as if this was a weight off his shoulders, and he nodded. I watched him walk out the door. The bastard didn't even look back.

I counted to ten to clear my head. I still had a guest outside. And what would really take my mind off everything else right now would be asking him to spend the night. But before I made it out the door, he came on in.

"Everything okay?"

I shrugged. "Things with Addie's father... they're complicated."

"I'm sorry," he told me, meeting my eyes.

"It's okay, or it will be." Then I gave him my most seductive smile. "What would you say to staying a while longer?"

He blushed and looked at his feet. I heard a sharp intake of breath before he raised his eyes again. "Ahhh. Look, Lola, I like you, but I'm not ahh, exactly comfortable with what's going on right now."

I waved his concerns aside. "That's nothing. With Cullen, I mean."

"It's not that," he said, cutting me off. "He doesn't deserve you, so I'm glad to hear it. But it's not that. It's this." He waved his hand in a gesture pointing toward my belly. "You're due any minute and I just..." He shrugged, looking as awkward as I felt.

"It's okay. I was just looking for some fun. But you're right. I have other priorities right now."

"I mean this, Lola. Promise me you'll call once you're settled again. Maybe we could grab a bite, get to know each other properly."

I nodded and said goodbye, but both of us knew I had no intention of calling him. I didn't want to date. Not after Hal. Maybe not ever again.

Right after he left, my water broke.